10 Reasons Why He Had It Coming: Presequel to Arizona

As I sit in the airport waiting for our my flight home, I thought I'd expand a bit on why Arizona hates me and what led me to shoot my husband dead. I apologize for leaving you all a bit confused yesterday.

HE:

10. Agreed to visit my insane relative who lives at 5400 feet above sea level

Had he said no, we would not have spent 3 days in the foothills where the overnight temps dropped to the low 20s. The 60° daytime highs were offset by the 17-20 mph winds blowing god knows what into my eyes, sinuses, and throat.

9. Was only somewhat bothered by the pollen

Once we hit Phoenix, I swear on the family bible (don't ask) the pollen got worse. I also believe the hotel housekeepers are instructed to sprinkle pollen and dust in the rooms as a daily gesture of contempt for northeasterners. I've been mainlining decongestants and anti-histamines since our arrival.

8. Wanted to see the NASCAR race in Phoenix

He asks for so little in life. This track and Daytona are the only two must visit tracks on his list. We like to travel south in the fall. Daytona's in February. That left Arizona where I have a crazy relative. (See #10 above.)

7. Only wore jeans once or twice

This is an ongoing problem in the marriage. All week long I've been wearing the few pieces of cold weather clothing I brought, while he, with few exceptions, has been happily romping around in shorts.

6. Wore short sleeves. Every...Single...Day

Friday night after the truck race, I had to buy yet another jacket to add to my upper body layers. I was already wearing a tee, 2 heavy long-sleeved shirts, 1 fleece vest, 1 long-sleeved fleece jacket, and a windbreaker. He was cavorting around in shorts and a tee.

5. Lost the car on Friday night

This would require too many expletives to describe in detail. Suffice it to say we trudged at least 6 miles through the desert climbing over 600 dirt berms in search of the car.

4. Actually saw the NASCAR Cup race

Early in the race, I left the stands to make one final pit stop before settling in for a day of wild excitement. On the last step before the landing to our section, I slipped on the slick stairs. My right ankle twisted as I tried to regain my balance. I pitched forward, grabbed the rail, and yes Gentle Readers, slid off that step into a graceless upright position with my full weight on the torqued ankle.

I made it down to the first aid station with assistance from some kind soul who was not my husband. When I finally hobbled back to my seat, he didn't fawn over me. After about 45 minutes, my ankle was on fire. I packed up my belongings and gimped down to the shade. For the duration of one of the most exciting races of the season, I sat at a picnic table, leg elevated, watching the race on a 4" screen. You know where he was.

3. Relaxed and enjoyed himself

He loves the dry air. This trip was a true vacation for him. He's had a ball just being. He wants to {gasp} retire to Arizona.

2. Refused to go to the desert

Our Monday plans were to head into the desert to see the cacti. I love cacti. The poolside conversation:

"I'm feeling rebellious and angry."
"Why"
"In spite of my ankle, I still want to go to the desert to photograph the cacti."
"I'm not carrying you onto the plane."
"I'll need help with my luggage, but I'm sure I can get assistance to the gate."
Blink. Blink.
"Besides, what does that have to do with going to the desert?"
"The hot line nurse said no weight-bearing for 24 hours. If you do something stupid and end up in worse shape, I am not carrying you onto the plane."
"I won't do anything stupid."
Eye roll.

His final and fatal error on this trip:

1. The bajillionth eye roll

I've been counting the number of times he's rolled his eyes at me since our marriage in 1989. That eye roll at the pool? You guessed it. He'd hit his limit for the marriage. Off him at home or shoot him in Arizona where it's almost legal? No brainer.

I'll have 3 seats to myself on the trip back home. I may even nap.

My deepest apologies for not being much of a blog visitor this week. As you can see, I've been up to my eyeballs in misery and malice.